Deep Thoughts From A Shallow Mind

HOLLYWOOD, CA: In a press conference early this morning executives for Columbia Pictures explained that over the past few years they have spearheaded a complete paradigm shift for the entertainment industry. In the past, the focus has been on producing new and groundbreaking films that entertain and make the audience see their world from a new perspective.

According to Columbia Pictures executives, this approach is “dated”, and no longer economically viable. Their focus moving forward will be on re-producing previously released films, updating them for the modern audience.

Film remakes are nothing new in the industry, but Columbia has noticed that if enough time has passed since a film was originally made, the audience will forget about the original version altogether. “The danger here,” explains one Columbia exec, “is that the audience may believe that the remake is actually a new and original story, something that goes against the core beliefs of Columbia and Hollywood as a whole.”

Columbia Picutres has embarked on a mission to ensure that audiences are never again subjected to new and original programming. According to a press release this morning, they are in talks to remake many of the largest and most critically-acclaimed films in recent memory.

Many films have been discussed, but some of the first names on the list are The Dark Knight, Slumdog Millionaire, and The Hangover.

The Hollywood execs cite the pace of social change and technological advance as the main factor in remaking these movies. The Dark Knight is being remade because the special effects seem dated since its release last year. With the case of movies like Slumdog Millionaire, it’s on the schedule because it was written for “another audience, in another time.”

PARIS, France: DeepThoughts comes to you once again with an exclusive report. The airliner that went missing early this week during a trip from France to Rio De Janeiro, Brazil, has been located.

According to Air France official statements the airliner was found intact, some three miles beneath the turbulent waters of the North Atlantic. The company blames unique geothermal effects in the region for a number of strange details of the case, most notably the remarkably good condition of the passengers’ bodies and the completely intact airframe of the plane. The geothermal anomalies apparently also interfered with rescue crews’ tracking equipment, contributing to the delay in locating the downed plane.

The strange circumstances surrounding the plane’s disappearance were addressed by chairman and CEO Charles Whidmore, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “The loss of our plane is a tragedy, both to Air France and of course for the families of those on board.”

Whidmore did not answer questions after his statement, though many were raised. It seems that at least one of the rescue crews reported seeing a group of individuals on a freighter near the wreckage dressed in tan jump suits, who were convinced that the year was 1973. Others reported sporadic blinding white flashes, while a third team actually reported seeing a small island nearby completely disappear from view as they watched.

Worldwide speculation rages, and many conspiracy theories exist. According to ABC Broadcasting, it is believed that definitive answers will be revealed sometime in the fall of 2010.

DETROIT, MI: Chrysler CEO Robert Nardelli confirmed rumors of the new eco-friendly Chrysler, in the hopes that it will lead to a more positive public image for the company as it breaks in half and sinks to the bottom of the Atlantic like the Titanic before it. The business move is primarily centered around a new ad campaign that will mimic those for GE’s ultra-efficient Compact Fluorescent Lightbulbs (or CFL’s).

DeepThoughts obtained an advance copy of the first commercial in the series.

The ad will reportedly follow a woman as she inserts a new CFL into her light socket and speaks into the camera as she grabs her purse and keys and walks outside. She speaks to the camera as one might explain higher math to a toddler.

“I love my new CFLs and what they do for my energy bill. But it’s more than that. It’s all about what they do for the environment. It is said that if we could all use CFLs rather than normal lightbulbs, it would be the equivalent of taking millions of cars off the road.”

The woman walks out to the front yard and picks up her young son, who is playing with the dog. She makes her way out to the driveway and slides open the door on her Chrysler minivan, loading the child and dog.

“Well, Chrysler has taken it one step further. You may have heard about their recent financial troubles, but you might not be aware that by going under they are actually doing more for our planet than new lightbulbs ever could. They are quite literally taking millions of cars off the road. That’s the kind of environmental awareness we need these days. For our children.”

She drives away with a smile, and the text on the screen reads: “Chrysler. Because financial instability is environmentally friendly.”

WASHINGTON, DC: The Swine Flu epidemic, once so prevalent in the news, has faded into obscurity.

In a recent interview, Swine Flu told 60 Minutes that it had fallen into a deep depression following its recent fall from grace in the headline news world. Since it crossed from Mexico into the United States, it had become a sort of media icon, symbolizing the unrealistic fears and hair-trigger reactionary mindset of the mainstream media.

But no more. Since its customary 7 day stint on the front page expired this past weekend, Swine Flu has been desperately trying to be noticed again.

The Economy, on the other hand, seems to have taken this opportunity to reassert itself. In an interview with CNN on Thursday, the Economy confirmed that it had been simply biding its time, waiting for Swine Flu hysteria to diminish. Seeing its opportunity, the Economy contacted major news networks and informed them that it was time to shift the spotlight back where it belongs.

The Economy concluded the interview with an emphatic middle finger raised in honor of Swine Flu.

RADFORD, VA: Swine Flu is widely regarded as the scariest and most dangerous thing to affect the Planet Earth since the Nazis, or the meteor that killed the dinosaurs. It has affected literally dozens of people around the world. This past weekend it claimed another victim, a landmark union between two families in rural Virginia.

Buford McCoy was set to wed Georgina Hatfield on Saturday. McCoy paid the required dowry of 4 sheep and a half dozen adult pigs. The ceremony was set to begin at sunrise but was delayed by reports of the Swine Flu epidemic, which had only just managed to penetrate Virginia’s “technology barrier”.

The so-called “technology barrier” that surrounds Virginia makes it uniquely difficult for new information and modern technology to enter the state, particularly the rural areas. For example, a reporter recently asked a Virginian his feelings about “Twitter”, only to be lynched for being homosexual.

Miss Hatfield’s father, patriarch of the Hatfield family, heard these reports and refused to accept the dowry offered by the young Mr. McCoy. Furthermore, he accused his would-be son in law of trying to poison the family with tainted pigs, reigniting the generations-old feud between the two families.

LOS ANGELES: A man in Southern California, through an obscure loophole in the insurance documentation, has announced that he will retire at age 31.

Lucas McDowell says he got the idea after a night of partying during which he claims to have had a conversation with a small amphibian on television. This animal, believed to be a “Gecko,” spoke with an English accent and told the man to switch his auto insurance carriers to save hundreds of dollars a month. He says he was then overcome with the munchies and attempted to eat the diminutive amphibian prophet. After the television’s broken glass was removed from his mouth, he began to consider alternatives in his auto insurance.

The next week, at another such party, he claims he received orders from above. McDowell laid a wreath beneath his television set and pilgrims traveled from all over the country to hear the “Voice of God” (later determined to be the voice of actor Dennis Haysbert in an Allstate commercial). This encounter again suggested that he switch, so as to save “hundreds of dollars a month” on his insurance.

The following morning McDowell called his insurance company, changing insurance a grand total of fifty four times. Ironically his final change was back to 21^st Century, his original carrier, saving once again.

Originally he paid $2000 a year for insurance. By changing carriers in this manner he saved $66,000. His keen business sense had yielded him a net income of $64,000 a year.

Actor Johnny Depp, also known as the legendary pirate “Captain” Jack Sparrow, is being sought for questioning in connection with the recent string of pirate attacks on the high seas off the cost of Somalia.

Commodore James Norrington is reportedly leading the pursuit, patrolling the attack zones in his warship, the HMS Dauntless.

This year has brought an inordinately high occurrence of attacks in the region, typically concerning cargo ships bound for Africa, though it is unclear exactly what prompted this sudden increase. A lack of solid evidence, sparse eyewitness reports, and the fact that the attackers are undead pirates carrying an ancient Aztec curse make such an investigation difficult.

Theories abound, however. It is believed, by some, that this is a subtle media buildup to the eventual announcement of the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean film. It is rumored to be set in Somalia and will be titled “Black Pearl Down.”

When you woke up in the morning and needed a dose of harsh reality to wake you up in the morning, DeepThoughts was there.

When you were done with the major news outlets and need to know what’s really going on out there in the world, DeepThoughts was there.

You can trust us - we have no major advertising contracts and have been losing money since day one.

Recently, DTFASM hackers - er, computer consultants, obtained several rejected ad slogans for major manufacturers.   When taking a test, the rule of thumb is, “Your first answer’s usually the right one.”  Well, it would seem that the first round of taglines is usually the most most accurate when it comes to describing a company’s business model. What do you think?

- - - - -

Apple

-Different. Not better, just… Different.

Starbucks

-Why not pay more?

-Thanks to us, starving African children finally have decent coffee.

Southwest Airlines

-You are now free to move about the country. But don’t, or someone else might take your seat.

Real California Cheese

-Wisconsin’s worst nightmare.

Wisconsin Cheese

-Because happy cows are just creepy.

Exxon Mobil

-Because predictable pricing is so 20th century.

Chevron

-Im in ur pumpz, fillin ur tanx

Guinness

-Because only racists don’t like black beer.

US Postal Service

-Because customer service is overrated.

-Of course we’re slow - we work for the same guys who enforce the speed limit.

BMW

-The yuppiest driving machine.

Snickers

-Because diabetes can be controlled now.

AT&T

-Reach out and [CENSORED] someone.

H&R Block

-We’re the nerds you beat up in high school, and now we’re doing your taxes. Told you this would happen.

Verizon

-Join the Network and a creepy guy with glasses will follow you around.

Visa

-It’s everywhere you want to be. And it got there first. So go somewhere else.

Captain Morgan

-Got a little [CENSORED] in ya?

T-Mobile

-Because no one knows what a 3G network is anyway.

SAN PEDRO, CA: A bizarre shootout last night at the San Pedro harbor near Los Angeles has left police searching for a man known only as Waldo.

The story is a complicated one, and police only have scattered bits and pieces of the picture. The villain lives in criminal lore as one Keyser Soze. Soze had not been sought by police primarly because he seemed to be a spook story, something criminals tell their kids at night.

Until last night, that is. A gunfight left a small cargo vessel aflame and over twenty men dead. Details are sketchy at best, but the LAPD has confirmed that it is seeking one Keyser Soze, possibly using the alias “Waldo.” He is believed to be Turkish, some say he is of Hungarian descent, but one eyewitness described him a bit differently.  DeepThoughts managed to obtain an exclusive interview with the man, who spoke through an interpreter and identified himself as one Arkosh Kovash..

DTFASM: “Sir, you say you got a look at the man?”

Kovash (through translator): “He appeared as a gay Swiss day-hiker with a [expletive] red and white knit sweater. He had a [expletive] hat too, and carried a walking stick everywhere he went.”

Apparently Soze / Waldo likes to frequent heavily populated areas like sports arenas, amusement parks, zoos and crowded city streets. He is rumored to have been seen in a number of picture books, and police are calling on citizens to examine the books closely in an attempt to locate this individual.

LAPD Chief of Police Roger “Verbal” Kint reminded the public that Mr. Soze is highly dangerous and should not be approached. But if you can find him in the books, a prize may be available. Kint released this photo of the suspect:

Strangely, Chief Kint has not been seen since the press conference. The meeting ajourned and like that, he was gone.

The robot commonly known as “Vince the ShamWow Guy” malfunctioned this weekend at a state fair in Tennessee, killing three.

Details are sketchy at this point, but initial reports are that “Vince” began behaving erratically during a ShamWow presentation. This went on for a few minutes before the “Vince” unit exploded, killing three and injuring many more.

We interviewed eyewitnesses and talked with Police at the scene, and we were able to reconstruct the events of this tragic weekend.

During a ShamWow presentation, “Vince” will pour a bit of Pepsi (used to represent the mystery liquid identified only as “Cola”), and use the ShamWow to absorb it.

The particular ShamWow used in the presentation weighs 2.5 ounces. It is billed as being able to absorb twenty times its own weight in liquid, which would amount to approximately 50oz. For some reason (as yet unknown), Vince used the entire 2-liter bottle. The ShamWow was powerless to stop it.

Some of the “cola” leaked into Vince’s internal circuitry, causing the erratic behavior described by witnesses. Eventually the spill made its way into his central computer, causing the massive electrical fire and explosion.

The “Vince” robot is the second generation of the platform. The prototype, known as “Billy Mays”, was a much larger unit with dark hair and a well groomed beard. It was used with success to sell many different products, but problems with the unit’s volume control made it difficult for people to listen to an entire sales pitch.

The current generation of the unit is much smaller and more energetic. It appears to be in its early twenties, with spiky blonde hair and a headset microphone reminiscent of the “boy bands” of the late 1990’s.